


The Reality of Dreams

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 18:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12687609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: This story is set post Endgame, 5 weeks into Captain Janeway’s debriefings and deals with some fallout from the episode The Omega Directive.





	The Reality of Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Note: The text in italics is dialogue taken directly from the episode and my take on the characters actions and reactions.

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat coolly composed in the rigid, high backed chair in a small ante room just off the main debriefing chamber. Her face was an impassive mask. She stared straight ahead, concentrating on a small imperfection in the paintwork on the far wall. It looked like a small bubble in the paint or perhaps the curled bristle from the brush that had been used. She wondered who the painter had been and why he or she hadn’t noticed this glaringly obvious flaw. Now that she’d noticed it she couldn’t pull her eyes away from it. It was about 1cm across and the light hit it in such a way that it pulsed its presence to those in the room. Her.

She ran her eyes over the rest of the wall slowly. Perhaps she could find a mate for this lonely blemish? But no, the rest of the off-white wall was unmarked, untainted and uninteresting. Her eyes travelled back to her friend the defect. She felt a kinship with this small spot. It hadn’t asked to be there. It had no choice in the matter. It was just a quirk of the universe, and an oversight by the painter who had left this blister or bristle to languish alone on this wall of perfection.

And here she was. She hadn’t asked to be there and had no choice in the matter. The circumstances of her presence were just a quirk of the universe and a whim of a creature called the Caretaker. She, like the blemish, had been left to languish alone and friendless in this sea of Starfleet perfection.

It was now five weeks since Voyager had arrived home. Bursting through the remains of a Borg sphere into Federation Space and back to an existence where she was as important as that spot on the wall. Of no real consequence in the scheme of things, but a blemish all the same and not to be tolerated. She was being dealt with by the admiralty, with an expediency for which Starfleet was renowned. Her captaincy was being put under the microscope and scrutinised, analysed, investigated and evaluated to within an inch of its existence.

She really should tell someone about the spot on the wall so they could do something about it, much as something was being done about her. She sat and stared at the spot, feeling quite an affinity with the small speck.

She’d been taken from the ship only a matter of hours after their arrival in the Alpha Quadrant and had been held in relative isolation ever since. She hoped her crew were not being put through the same rigorous questioning that she’d been subjected to. She didn’t think so. The questions from the board of inquiry had been exclusively about her command decisions. Decisions she’d had to make because she was in command. What else was she supposed to do? Someone had to make the call. Under those circumstances she’d had to do what she thought was in the best interest of her crew, but within the framework of Starfleet rules and regulations. At times the balance had been hard to find. The decisions had been hers, and she was prepared to face the consequences, but in so many of those decisions she’d had little or no choice. If they thought she was in error, then so be it, but none of them, not a one of the pompous prigs, had any comprehension of what it had been like to be so completely isolated and alone. To be the one person that all your crew looked to for guidance, strength and security. The load had at times been intolerable. She’d buckled on occasion, but she felt, for the most part, she’d done an adequate job.

Starfleet, it seemed, did not.

It seemed she’d failed in their eyes. Failed on many occasions and she was answerable for all of them. She wondered if her cell in the Starfleet prison would have a friendly blemish on its wall that she could commiserate with. Her heart pounded at the thought of being locked up for however many years they deemed appropriate for her crimes. She didn’t like being restrained, even this room was starting to become claustrophobic. She would dearly love to leave but she couldn’t. Her heart kept pounding but she tamped down her panic. She had maintained her decorous calm for this long and she could maintain it for longer.

They would call her soon to testify again, and explain her reasoning behind whichever of her decisions had been nominated for dissection today.

So far they had covered her initial action regarding the Caretaker, the one that had stranded them in the Delta Quadrant in the first place. They had questioned her decision to make Chakotay her first officer, B’Elanna her chief engineer, and the circumstances surrounding Seska’s betrayal. They argued over her decision to allow Quinn the Q to commit suicide, the debacle over their warp 10 attempt, Tuvix, the use of 29th century technology, and the dreaded alliance with the Borg that had freed Seven of Nine from the collective. This decision had brought Starfleet all of the wondrous Borg technology that had the science departments, here at the Academy, thinking it was Christmas, and still they managed to find fault with it. They had even questioned her on the possible motivations of Admiral Janeway. The questions were endless. There had been inquiries into the many temporal incursions, most of which were not her fault, Voyager’s influence on the various cultures of the Delta Quadrant, the surrender of holo technology to the Hirogen and the disaster that had brought. There had been questions over the duplicate crew that she had abandoned on the demon planet, the Equinox affair, the resurrection of the warlike Vardwar, and the exchange of technology with the Varro. They had even questioned her about her affair with the hologram Michael Sullivan. It seemed there wasn’t anything that she’d done that had passed muster with these pedantic so and so’s.

Chances were she would never see the light of day. She could almost laugh at the irony of the situation. She’d worked so hard, taken so many risks and sacrificed so much to get back to this nightmare. Life really wasn’t fair, but that had been her lot and had been for a long time. Her losses were extreme and for the first time since her detainment she felt a real sense of foreboding and dread. She was a strong woman, but she could feel herself slowly unravelling and she was afraid of what could happen if she really lost her grip. She took a deep steadying breath. Surely they’d covered just about everything that could be considered problematic. All she really wanted was to know that her crew was safe, and to see her mother and sister. She wondered if she would be allowed to see them, even briefly, before they took her away. She hoped so, she really hoped so. She noticed her breathing was becoming a little ragged with the thoughts of her family and crew. She shoved the thoughts of them to one side, tucking them away and then concentrated on her compatriot, the imperfection, on the opposite wall.

She’d become very adept at ‘shoving’ things aside and compartmentalising her emotions. That was one thing that the Delta Quadrant had taught her to do very successfully. It was a technique that had allowed her to remain relatively sane over the seven years. She’d learned to extract certain parts of herself, box them up, label and shelve them so she wouldn’t have the emotional clutter to deal with in her everyday running of the ship. Her plan had been, on her return, to pull all of the boxes down from the shelves, unpack them, polish and dust off the contents and become a whole person again, but it looked like they were going to have to stay packed away for the time being. She needed to have a clear head and an uncluttered heart to maintain her composure during this ordeal. She’d had such high hopes for herself on their return, but, as often happens in life, the reality was far removed from those hopes and dreams.

She jumped slightly at the knock on the door. She would be going into the chamber now. She stood, ramrod straight, and waited for her escort. Less than 10 seconds later a security guard entered and motioned for her to follow him. She did as she was told and walked into the large room that housed her interviewers. They were the same ten faces she’d seen everyday for the last five weeks, but she didn’t know any of them. Initially she’d hoped that the likes of Owen Paris, or Admiral Patterson or Hayes, might have been on the board of enquiry but these were all new admirals. The others could be dead for all she knew. The Dominion War had decimated the population, both civilian and Starfleet, so most of the faces she’d seen were unknown to her. This in itself was disconcerting. After seeing the same faces everyday for more than 7 years, being bombarded by new faces and names had thrown her at first. Deep down Kathryn was a little concerned for her state of mind. She was aware of several psychological disorders that were associated with long term isolation and stress, and she secretly feared that she might be victim to at least one or two of them.

Young Admiral Bennett was taking the lead today. He was, she thought, quite a nice young man, far too inexperienced for this sort of responsibility, but she liked him the best of all the cold faces before her.

“Captain Janeway, good morning.” He gave her a nod. “We will continue. Today we wish to question you about your decision to share with your senior staff, one of the Federations most tightly held secrets. The Omega directive. This mandate is known only to Starfleet Captains and Flag officers, but you felt it acceptable to divulge this information to your crew, and have them assist you in the destruction of the said molecules. Why did you think that this was a prudent and acceptable action?”

Kathryn thought back to the discovery of the molecule and her initial decision to sacrifice herself and Seven in an attempt to destroy the most destructive substance ever known. Their likely deaths would have ensured that the secret remained safe and she’d been quite prepared to go. Being accepting of her fate, she’d known that the responsibility lay at her door to eradicate the dreaded Omega molecule, but she’d been swayed from that decision. Squeezing her eyes shut she tried not to think of Chakotay. She wasn’t emotionally robust enough to deal with thoughts of him at the moment, but this incident was intrinsically linked to him and she wanted to protect him. If they thought that he was in any way responsible for her decision, she was unsure of what the ramifications might be. Her thoughts of him brought with them comfort but they were also tinged with a good deal of hurt.

She cast her mind back to that meeting in the Astrometrics lab.

_She’d been working on pinpointing the location of the Omega molecules when the door had chimed. It was Chakotay with his status report. Everything was going to plan. She knew she would have to give him some idea of what her plans were, but without giving too much away. He came and stood in front of her, between the consoles. Uncomfortable with what she had to tell him, she crossed her hands in front of her and spoke in measured tones._

_“The Omega Directive doesn’t allow me to say much but I want you to know what to expect.” She took a breath. “At 0600 I’ll be leaving in a shuttle with Seven of Nine.”_

_“Will it be out of line to ask where you’re going?” She was up to something. He always could tell and he knew he wasn’t going to like what he was going to hear._

_“I can tell you this. One of two things is going to happen. Either Seven and I will succeed in our mission and return in a few days, or your long range sensors will detect a large explosion in subspace. If that happens you’ll have less than ten seconds to jump to warp and get the hell out of here. Head for the Alpha quadrant and don’t look back. Understood?”_

_He took a breath. He was having trouble keeping still and holding his anger and dismay at bay, but he knew that she wouldn’t respond to open opposition to her plans. He would have to put forward logical arguments if he was going to sway her from this ridiculous mission._

_“I always thought that Starfleet was run by duty crazed bureaucrats, but even I would find it hard to believe that they would order a captain to go on a suicide mission. This shuttle excursion is your idea, isn’t it?”_

_She knew he was on to her. She turned away briefly unable to meet his eyes, and took a seat on one of the consoles, continuing with the cool and calm demeanour. “Let’s just say I’ve had to… amend the directive, given the circumstances. But you have your orders and I expect you to follow them.”_

_“That’s expecting a lot. You’re asking me to abandon my captain and closest friend, without even telling me why.” He moved to within her personal space again. He wasn’t going to let her distance herself._

_She softened her voice. “If it were a simple matter of trust I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you, but we’ve encountered situations where information was taken from us by force. I can’t allow knowledge of Omega to go beyond Voyager.”_

_“That’s a reasonable argument, but you’re not always a reasonable woman.” Her eyes widened and he could see her hackles go up at his last statement, but he wasn’t going to back down now. “You’re determined to protect this crew, but this time you’ve taken it too far. A dangerous mission, fine, I’ll acknowledge that, but isn’t it more likely to succeed with everyone behind you, working together.” He could see her deliberately relax her stance. She was not going to allow him to bait her._

_“Ordinarily I’d agree, but this directive was issued many years ago. Starfleet didn’t exactly have our predicament in mind, did it?” She stood up and moved closer to him to emphasise her point. “Lost in the Delta Quadrant with no backup. I can’t ignore the orders, but I won’t ask the crew to risk their lives because of my obligation.”_

_That was it. He couldn’t let her do this. God damn she was a stubborn woman, beautiful and smart, but stubborn as hell._

_“‘My obligation’. That’s where you’re wrong. Voyager may be alone out here, but you’re not. Let us help you. We’ll keep classified information limited to the senior staff. We’ll take every security precaution. Just don’t try to do this alone.” He watched her intently. He could see her mind working. She turned her head to the side as she mulled over what he’d said. She turned back, and looked at him steadily. He could tell by the look in her eyes that he had succeeded in getting her to see sense._

_“Assemble the troops.” He wanted to whoop for joy, grab her and hug her, but instead he gave her a quick smile and headed back to the bridge to do just as she’d asked._

She had watched him leave and stood staring at the closed doors. ‘Not a reasonable woman.’ Why had that statement cut her so deeply and why had she felt so wounded because it was Chakotay who had said it. If Tuvok had told her she was ‘not reasonable’, would she have felt as bad? No, definitely not. Knowing that Chakotay thought she was ‘unreasonable’, in other words, stubborn and misguided, cut her to the quick. A little piece of her heart died in that moment and she couldn’t really understand why, only that it hurt. It hurt deeply.

“Captain Janeway, could you answer the question please?”

She opened her eyes and looked at the row of faces. She was a little disorientated after her reverie. “Could you repeat the question please?”

“Why did you feel it was appropriate to ignore one of Starfleet’s most important edicts and divulge information to your crew about the Omega Directive?” Admiral Bennett sounded exasperated. Kathryn didn’t care.

“I had very little choice at the time. We were on our own and I needed all of Voyager’s resources to complete the mission. I had intended to destroy the molecule with the help of Seven of Nine, but when I discovered that there were more than enough Omega molecules to destroy half the Delta Quadrant, I knew I couldn’t complete the mission without the assistance of the crew and Voyager. I had a limited amount of time and there were very few options open to me. Under the circumstances this was the only reasonable course of action I could take.”

The Tellarite Admiral Vot, snorted derisively. “‘Reasonable course of action’? An interesting turn of phrase, Captain, coming from a person who has shown herself to be anything but a reasonable woman in many of her actions and reactions during her tenure as Captain of Voyager.” Kathryn stared at the snub faced admiral.

She began trembling and was having trouble catching her breath. The admiral’s face morphed into Chakotay’s and she could hear his words echo from the Astrometrics lab from all those years before. ‘Not a reasonable woman.’

Her ears were ringing and she couldn’t stop shaking. It was happening. The stress and trauma of the last few weeks, not to mention the last seven years, were culminating in a total collapse.

She started mumbling to herself. “Reasonable woman, Chakotay please….I’m sorry. Chakotay where are you? Reasonable woman… reasonable woman.” Her words were garbled and she knew she wasn’t making any sense but was unable to stop herself. She was shaking uncontrollably and all she could think of was getting away from here. She had to find Chakotay. He would be able to help her.

“Captain Janeway, please speak up.” The panel of faces were going in and out of focus. She was having trouble keeping herself upright in her chair. She just wanted to hide somewhere where no-one would demand anything more from her. No more questions, no more answers, no more talking and no more thinking. Reasonable woman.

“Captain Janeway, are you alright? Captain?” Admiral Bennett was standing up from his seat looking concerned. “Call a medical team, and someone assist the Captain.” He’d had no intention of causing the Captain this sort of distress. They’d been given the task of trying to unravel the reasoning behind a long list of questionable command decisions that she’d made in the Delta Quadrant. He personally admired the woman. To have survived for seven years isolated in the Delta Quadrant without any backup and to have successfully brought the majority of her crew home safely was a monumental achievement, but he’d had his orders and was compelled to follow them.

One of the guards had moved to her side to help her. She tried to push him away and was looking around frantically. “No. Chakotay! Where are you? Chakotay, help me! Chakotay! Please, Chakotay!” Why wasn’t he here? Where was he? She needed him.

The Admirals looked on with dismay. Thankfully a medical team had arrived and had restrained the flailing woman. A sedative was administered and she slipped into unconsciousness. The attending doctor turned and addressed the admirals.

“Sirs, Captain Janeway will need to be admitted to Starfleet medical. Your debriefing will have to be postponed until such time as she is better able to continue.”

“Thank you, Doctor. Please see to the captain and keep us informed.” They all nodded at the Doctor as Kathryn disappeared in a shimmer of blue. She was admitted to the Academy Medical Facility to await a physical and psychological assessment. Her mother and sister were informed of her admission and asked to attend.

* * *

Chakotay was sitting on what he and the crew now referred to as ‘his bench’. It was situated in a glorious part of the Starfleet grounds, and surrounded by a wisteria covered arbour, which in the spring would be a riot of purple and mauve. He looked across the lawns and neatly tended garden beds, to the doorway of the Starfleet JAG chambers. She was in there, and had been for five weeks, and he’d been here on his bench for most of that time. They’d taken her. Voyager had been back in the Alpha Quadrant for only a matter of hours, when Starfleet Security had beamed aboard and taken her into custody. She’d had no time to say goodbye before she was whisked away to be ‘debriefed’. But Chakotay had a feeling it was more of an interrogation, than the friendly debriefing they were being led to believe.

He’d been haunted by the look in her eyes as she’d been escorted from the bridge. It was only momentary, but as they’d led her to the turbo lift she’d locked eyes with him and a look of terror had flashed across her face. He wanted to cry out, to grab her and run as fast as they could away from all this. She’d seen this in his eyes and shaken her head adamantly. Their eyes had stayed locked together as the lift doors closed, and that was the last he had seen of Kathryn Janeway.

Her mother and sister hadn’t yet seen her, and no-one from the crew was allowed near her. He got up and walked the perimeter of the lawn. He’d done this circuit perhaps three or four hundred times in the weeks that he’d been here. He’d become something of an institution here in the grounds. He recognised most of the faces of the people working in the building and they’d become used to seeing him. In the early days, he would approach them and ask for information or news of Kathryn, but none was ever forthcoming. He’d finally had to give up. He’d been threatened with removal from the grounds if he continued his harassment of the employees. They really had no jurisdiction over his movements anymore as he’d resigned his position the minute they’d taken Kathryn, but they could physically remove him if they felt it was warranted. So far he’d been tolerated.

After his resignation, Tuvok had taken command and on orders from Starfleet command, all the ex-Maquis had been removed to a civilian enclave for a week or so. They were given a cursory debriefing and then let go. It was quite bizarre. There were no warnings or cautions to avoid divulging information, no thank you, no goodbye, just a gentle prod in the direction of the gate and then nothing.

The Starfleet crew had been treated in much the same way. A short debriefing and then all were let go and encouraged to find employment. Those that had decided to stay in Starfleet were given jobs in whatever department they chose, and life had just resumed where it had left off, as if the seven intervening years had never happened. The whole affair had been very strange, but his concern from the outset had been for Kathryn. He was desperately worried about her. He couldn’t begin to imagine what she must be feeling. She was totally alone and most likely isolated. He feared for her.

The last few days on Voyager had been enormously stressful, especially for her. Meeting her future self, another encounter with the Borg and the knowledge of Tuvok’s illness had taken its toll. She’d become quite withdrawn over the last days before their return. He’d mentioned this to Seven during one of their dinner engagements, and she’d seemed troubled. When pushed, she’d told him of the Admiral’s confrontation with her in the Astrometrics lab and the likelihood that the Captain knew of their relationship. The Admiral had told Seven that in her time line Seven and Chakotay had married and Seven had died, causing long lasting distress to him and the Captain. He was shocked, and the knowledge that Kathryn was aware of his relationship with Seven had left him quite heartsick. They’d kept their relationship a secret up until this point. He was very fond of Seven, and could imagine himself falling in love with her over time, but the thought that Kathryn’s withdrawal had anything to do with his affair with Seven, upset him immensely. He should have told her and he should have been there to support her. His burgeoning relationship with Seven had meant less time spent with Kathryn and he’d really only seen her for scheduled debriefs and meetings. He imagined the Admiral would have broken the news to her without preamble, using it as ammunition in her ambush to get Kathryn to follow her plan. It had been late in the evening when Seven had told him of this and he’d intended to see Kathryn first thing in the morning, but the next day had been the return to the alpha quadrant and she was gone before he’d had a chance to speak to her.

His heart still ached at the thought that she might think that he’d abandoned her. He hoped she knew that he would never do that, but he remembered how he’d felt when she had blithely told him, in her brainwashed state, that she was moving in with her co-worker on Quarra. He’d felt betrayed and forsaken and he imagined she must have felt much the same.

His and Kathryn’s relationship had been one of unspoken promises and suppressed longing. They’d left New Earth all those years ago with a tacit understanding and commitment to one another, but he’d broken faith. He needed to atone for that and to reassure Kathryn that he hadn’t forgotten. He still loved her. He always had and always would. His dalliance with Seven was a momentary weakness, an attempt to fill the void and appease the loneliness. It had been a mistake. One he regretted terribly but which he was desperate to make amends for.

His and Seven’s relationship hadn’t survived past that night and he’d spent everyday since his release here outside the building where Kathryn was being housed. He sat back down after his walk, and stared across at the building, sending a silent message of love and support, and then picked up his book and began to read.

A short time later he heard his name being called. Looking up her saw Phoebe Janeway, walking hurriedly towards him. He met her a little way along the path. She was panting and out of breath.

“Chakotay, she’s in hospital.” A few more panting breaths. “She collapsed during the inquiry and she’s sedated. Mom’s with her. You have to come.”

“Oh Spirits, is she alright?” He took Phoebe’s arm and began walking quickly back the way she’d come. “When did this happen? God damn it. What have they been doing to her?” He was frantically worried but angry as well. How dare they do this to her? What in God’s name had been going on that someone like Kathryn would collapse. He should’ve done something, instead of sitting and waiting. It’s what he’d done all that time in the Delta Quadrant, sat and waited and in the end it had caused so much distress. He was a fool.

It took about ten minutes to get to the Medical Facility. Phoebe took him straight to her room. They entered quietly. Gretchen was sitting on the far side of the bed holding Kathryn’s hand and talking softly to her. She looked up with worried eyes as Chakotay and Phoebe moved to the side of the bed. “How is she, Mom?”

Gretchen leant forward and stroked Kathryn’s cheek. “She’s still sedated but there is the occasional movement.” Her eyes rested on Chakotay. “I’m so glad you’re here, Chakotay. According to the Doctor, she was calling your name just before she collapsed.”

His fists clenched in anger and his gut lurched at the thought of her being so distressed that she’d been calling for him, and he wasn’t there. Those bastards. They would pay for this. Somewhere down the line, they would pay. Chakotay couldn’t drag his gaze away from Kathryn. She had lost weight and looked frail, but she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Gretchen watched the emotions play across his face as he looked down at her daughter. He loved Kathryn, desperately. Not that she hadn’t already known that. His loyal devotion as he waited for her day after day outside the JAG Chambers, had been a clear indication of his feelings, and the fact that Kathryn, in her distress, had called for him, spoke volumes for how she felt. What a nightmare for the pair of them.

This was the first time Gretchen had seen Kathryn since her return, but it wasn’t under the circumstances she would have chosen, had she been given a choice. She looked down at her daughter’s face. Kathryn had aged. Aged more than just the seven years she’d been gone. Chakotay had told her of the many trials and hardships they had endured in the Delta Quadrant. It had been a long and arduous seven years and the evidence was chiselled into her face in the lines around her eyes and mouth. The stress of the last few weeks had taken its toll as well. Kathryn needed to come home and be looked after. She needed to be mothered and nurtured and Gretchen needed to mother her and care for her, for her own sake. She’d missed her dreadfully. Her precious girl. She felt the tears welling in her eyes and then a firm but gentle hand rested on her shoulder. She turned and found Chakotay standing beside her. She stood and he held her tight in his arms as she cried quietly for all the time lost and the joy and sadness of finding her Kathryn again. He stood with Gretchen in his arms and his eyes riveted to the pale and beautiful face of the woman he loved.

Several hours later Kathryn started to rouse. She felt herself lifting up and moving towards the sounds and light in the room. She opened her eyes a slit and saw the blurred faces of people. She had vague recollections of stern young faces and her desperate need to find Chakotay, but the rest was a blur. Then she heard her mother’s voice. “Kathryn, Kathryn dear, wake up please, Kathryn. Open your eyes, sweetheart.”

“Mom…?” Kathryn opened her eyes and found her mother hovering over her.

“Kathryn, it’s me. You’re in the hospital, and we’re here. Phoebe and Chakotay are both here. Just rest, Kathryn, and get well. We’re here to look after you.”

Kathryn looked beyond her mother and saw Phoebe and Chakotay standing close to the side of the bed. She was so ashamed of herself for having succumbed to the stress, and embarrassed to be seen in such a weakened state. She remembered now. They had called her an unreasonable woman. It must be true, but she didn’t want to think of it now. She closed her eyes and let the exhaustion take her. The voices faded and she slid back into oblivion.

Chakotay began pacing the length of the room. Back and forth, back and forth. He was distraught and angry. Not just at Starfleet, but at himself for not having taken action sooner. He was becoming more and more agitated. He had to do something. He took a long look at the sleeping Kathryn, nodded to Gretchen and Phoebe and left the room. He found a communications station near the main desk in the foyer and contacted B’Elanna. Her face appeared on the screen and broke into a smile, but it soon faded when she saw the look on his face.

“Chakotay? What’s the matter? What’s wrong?” He looked terrible.

“It’s Kathryn. She’s in the hospital. She collapsed during her ‘debriefing’. I need to speak to Tom. Is he there?” He knew what he had to do. This had to stop and Owen Paris was the only means he had to bring an end to Kathryn’s ordeal.

“Hang on, Chakotay. I’ll get him.” She got up from the chair and Chakotay could hear her calling for Tom. He had a clear view of the living room of the Paris’s new home. It held an eclectic combination of items. There was an array of Delta Quadrant memorabilia, a Bat’leth, Tom’s television and one of his sand paintings. In a strange way, it reflected B’Elanna and Tom’s relationship. A myriad of differences and contradictions that all blended into an interesting and complimentary whole. They were happy, with each other, their baby, and their life, and much of that happiness they owed to Kathryn. She had been steadfast in her belief that they could be better people, and that under Tom’s brashness and B’Elanna’s anger, lay decent, kind and brilliant young minds. She had never lost faith in them and through her trust in them, they had learned to trust in return, and had gained the respect and admiration of all those around them. They had flourished under her caring command and he knew they would do anything for her. They loved her, they all loved her and they would save her.

Tom came into the room handing Miral to B’Elanna as he sat down. “Hi Chakotay. What’s this about the Captain being in hospital? Is she alright?” He was genuinely concerned. The captain meant the world to him and they’d all been concerned about her prolonged stint in the debriefings.

“I really don’t know all that much, Tom. She collapsed during this morning’s session and was transported to Starfleet Medical. She’s been sedated ever since. She woke up a short time ago, but is asleep again now. I need to speak to your father about this. It has to stop. Can you set up a meeting with him for me?” His voice started to rise. “No-one at Starfleet will give me the time of day and I’m just so goddamned angry that this has been allowed to go on.” He slammed his hand down on the desk and several people in the foyer looked over at the angry man, and a couple of them moved away.

“No trouble, Chakotay. I’ll contact Dad straight away. You might have to come here or perhaps he could meet you at the hospital. I know he’s been concerned as well, but it’s in the hands of the Ethics Committee, which is out of his purview. But I’m sure we can come up with something.”

Tom turned around at something B’Elanna was saying. “OK Be, I’ll see you later.” Tom turned back to Chakotay. “B’Elanna’s on her way to the hospital and she’ll start contacting the crew from there. I’ll get back to you through B’Elanna as soon as I’ve lined something up with Dad. Don’t worry, Chakotay. We’ll sort this out. This is the Voyager crew. Starfleet won’t know what hit them.” He gave Chakotay a nod.

“Thanks, Tom. I appreciate it and you’re right. They won’t stand a chance. As Kathryn would say ‘let’s rally the troops’.”

Tom smiled and signed off. Chakotay stepped back from the comm. feeling a little better now that he was doing something, and Tom was right, once they got together and forged a plan, they would have this sorted out in no time. He moved back in the direction of Kathryn’s room. On his way he noticed a few people giving him a wide berth and wondered what their problem was.

Arriving back at Kathryn’s room, nothing much had changed. Kathryn was still asleep with Gretchen sitting at her side holding her hand, and Phoebe was standing, staring out the window. She turned and gave him a tired smile. Phoebe bore a striking resemblance to Kathryn, and although her hair was dark, she had an eerily similar stance and manner. They had become firm friends over the last few weeks and Gretchen had welcomed him warmly into their home and their lives. His soul was enriched through knowing them, and he could see where Kathryn came by her strong will and intellect. Gretchen was a formidable woman. He didn’t like to think of what was in store for Starfleet when she got her hands on them. He sat down opposite Gretchen and took Kathryn’s hand in his, stroking her fingers and rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. Her hand reflexively gripped his and he moved closer to her and whispered in her ear.

“I’m here, Kathryn, here to stay. Rest and be well. I love you.”

Kathryn was floating in a haze of grey. She could hear the mumble of voices in the distance, as if they were in another room. As she lightened, she could feel her hand being stroked and a familiar soothing voice close to her ear. Her eyes fluttered open and she turned her head slowly towards the voice. Hers eyes met with familiar brown ones, looking at her with concern and love. She held his gaze for a long moment and then sobbed once and threw herself into his arms. Chakotay held her close, sitting himself on the side of the bed so he could hold her tight against him. She didn’t cry. She was beyond tears. She just held him tight, gathering strength from his steady and loving presence.

Her whole world had been turned upside down over the last 5 weeks. All the things that she’d held is such high regard over the years had been proved false. Her trust and staunch belief in Starfleet had been decimated. The framework that had held her life together for so long had been destroyed. But he was here. The one thing in her life that she knew she could count on. Chakotay. And he was here. She had stifled her thoughts of him over the last weeks. Her grief at his loss was almost too much to bear. Having him here was a Godsend and she felt some of the shards of her shattered spirit melding back together. She lifted her head a touch and turned to find her mother and Phoebe standing on the opposite side of the bed.

“Oh Mom. Phoebe. It’s so good to see you.” Chakotay let her go and watched as Gretchen pulled her into a wonderful healing embrace. Phoebe stood to the side stroking Kathryn’s hair with tears sliding silently down her face. Chakotay moved to the window to give the women time alone to reconnect and renew their bonds. As he stared out the window, he felt a gentle touch on his arm and turned to find Gretchen, still with an arm wrapped around Kathryn, but with her hand extended to him, bringing him into the fold. He had to swallow a sob as he was enfolded into this loving woman’s embrace. She’d been instrumental in his smooth reintegration back here on earth. She’d been welcoming and nurturing and had understood his renewed grief over the loss of his family. He would be forever grateful to her for giving him a home and family, something that he thought he would never have again. They all held tight to one another and gathered strength and comfort from each other. There was much healing to be done, but this embrace was the first giant step along that road.

B’Elanna had arrived at the hospital and had taken up residence at the comm. station. She’d so far contacted about a third of the crew and they in turn were contacting others. Within an hour, the waiting room was filled with familiar faces. All were looking grim and worried, their concern for their captain written plainly on their faces.

Chakotay had left Kathryn in the loving care of her mother and sister and on leaving her room had been greeted by a crowd of Voyager crew. He updated them on Kathryn’s condition and all were relieved to know that she was awake and improving. The hospital administration wasn’t particularly happy about the influx of people but could do little about it. On his way to the front doors he met Tom and Owen Paris on their way in.

“Admiral Paris, thank you for coming. Has Tom filled you in on what’s happened?”

“Yes, Chakotay. I also heard from Admiral Bennett who was chairing the debriefing. He was quite upset over Kathryn’s collapse.”

“So he damn well should be. What the hell has been going on?” Chakotay was beyond niceties and just wanted heads to roll.

“Calm down, son. We’ll get this sorted out. However, butting heads with the Admiralty is not the way to do it. I’ve spoken to several Federation Council members and I have an appointment with the President later this afternoon. This hearing has been in the hands of the Ethics Committee which has jurisprudence over all matters pertaining to command protocol. I’m limited in what I can do, but if we follow the appropriate channels, we should be able to get this sorted out before Kathryn needs to return to the debriefings.”

“She’s not going anywhere near those bastards again, and none of us will let them near her, you can be sure of that. They’ll have to fight their way through all of us to get to her. They have no idea what they’re up against.” Admiral Paris was a little taken aback at the fervour in Chakotay’s speech and out of the corner of his eye he noticed members of Kathryn’s crew moving towards them. They were closing ranks to defend one of their own. He was impressed. Starfleet would have a fight on their hands if they did decide to continue with the debriefings. With Gretchen Janeway on one flank and Kathryn’s crew on the other, Starfleet didn’t stand much of a chance.

“Let’s not get to ahead of ourselves here, son. Let me see what I can arrange with the President this afternoon. We may find that there’s nothing to worry about. I’m just sorry that it has come to this. How is Katie? Is Gretchen with her?”

“Yes, she’s been here since Kathryn was brought in. Kathryn’s awake but still very fragile, something I never imagined myself saying about Kathryn Janeway.’ He shook his head in disbelief. “Have you got any idea what’s been going on in the ‘debriefings’? I’ve seen Kathryn in some dire situations over the years and she’s one of the strongest people I know. For her to have collapsed like that….I really can’t imagine what she must have gone through.”

“They were routine as far as I know, but it will be investigated. Now I would like to see Gretchen if I could, Chakotay. Do you think Kathryn would mind if I went in to say hello?”

“No, I think she would be very pleased to see you, Admiral. Come. I’ll show you the way.” Chakotay led the Admiral down the corridor to Kathryn’s room. Owen Paris was astonished by the number of Voyager crew who were here. Kathryn had only been in the hospital for a couple of hours and there had to be close on forty of her crew here waiting quietly for word. She certainly hadn’t changed over the years. She had always been one to inspire trust and devotion.

They arrived at her door and Chakotay knocked gently, and then opened the door slowly. Kathryn was now sitting in a chair by the window with her mother at her side, and Phoebe was perched on the bed reading.

“Kathryn? Admiral Paris is here and was hoping to see you, Gretchen and Phoebe if that’s alright?” He opened the door a little further to allow the Admiral into the room.

Gretchen stood up and walked over to greet them. “Owen, it’s very good to see you. I hope you’re here to put an end to this?”

Owen Paris moved into the room and gave Gretchen a kiss on the cheek and held her hand. “I’m going to do my best, Gretchen.” Still holding her hand he moved over to where Kathryn was sitting. She stood up and greeted her old family friend.

“Owen, it’s good to see you.” He let go of Gretchen’s hand and pulled Kathryn into a hug.

“Katie, how are you? I’m so sorry this has happened.” He held her shoulders and looked at her. “We’re going to get this sorted out as soon as we can. Your Commander Chakotay is on the case and I have an appointment with the President this afternoon. You just get well and we’ll have you home in no time.” Kathryn looked over at Chakotay. He was standing at parade rest, with his hands behind his back. She could see the anger in his eyes and determination was radiating from him. For the first time since her arrival home, she felt real hope. With Chakotay in her corner, she knew that he wouldn’t allow anything to happen to her and with Owen Paris’s assistance, they had the situation well in hand. It gave her solace.

“Thank you, Owen. I apologise for putting you to so much trouble.”

“Katie, it’s no trouble. I should be the one apologising. I shouldn’t have ever let this happen. I’m so sorry, my dear.” He turned to Gretchen.

“Gretchen, can I see you outside for a moment. Phoebe, you too, if you don’t mind.” The women left the room with the Admiral. As they headed out the door, Owen was asking Phoebe about her family.

Kathryn turned to Chakotay. “Are you alright, Chakotay?”

“I’m fine.”

She looked at him again. “That sounds familiar, and about as convincing. Tell me what you’re feeling, Chakotay. All this anger isn’t good.” She moved towards him and he finally relaxed his stance.

“You’re right Kathryn, I’m angry, very angry. With Starfleet, the Admiralty, but most of all with myself for allowing this to happen. I promised you all those years ago that I’d stay by your side and make your burdens lighter, and I reneged on that promise and I’m so sorry.” He was having trouble keeping his emotions under control.

“Chakotay, you have nothing to be sorry for. Thank you for being here. I really do appreciate it, especially when you probably need to be elsewhere.”

He cocked his head slightly in question. “Kathryn, there’s no other place that I need or want to be. Ever.”

She knew that wasn’t true. Admiral Janeway had told her of his future, and if he wasn’t going to be open about it then she would have to bring it to the fore. “How’s Seven, Chakotay?”

The colour rose in his cheeks. “She’s well I imagine, and on her way here from Vulcan with Tuvok.” She moved away slightly. “Kathryn, Seven and I aren’t together. I know what Admiral Janeway said about our futures, but it isn’t true in this time line. Seven and I had a few dinners together, but that’s all. We haven’t seen each other since the night before our return to the Alpha Quadrant. Whatever happened in the other timeline became moot the minute the Admiral came through the temporal rift.”

“Chakotay, you don’t have to do this. If you want to be with Seven, that’s OK. You deserve your happiness and I don’t want to keep you from her. My mother and sister are here and I’m going to be fine. Owen will get this sorted out and with any luck I won’t have to go back into the debriefings. I’ll get on with my life. Who knows what the future holds, mmmm?” She didn’t want his pity. It was the last thing she wanted from him. Her arguments were sound. If he loved Seven in the other timeline, then chances were, he could love her in this one. She cared for him too much to stand in his way. She would survive.

He could see the barriers going up as she stood there before him. Goddamn it, she was stubborn.

He moved towards her. “Kathryn, be reasonable. I’m here because I……” He stopped talking. She staggered and almost fell and clamped her hand over her mouth. He watched in horror as the colour drained from her face.

“Kathryn? God, Kathryn, what’s wrong?” He moved towards her, but she shook her head and held up her hand to keep him away. She was about to fall, and he ran towards her and grabbed her. She started fighting him and trying to push him away.

“Kathryn, stop it. I’m trying to help you.” He called over his shoulder. “Gretchen! Phoebe!” The door opened and they came running into the room.

“What’s happened? Kathryn?” Phoebe ran to the call button. Chakotay was still holding her but her struggles were weakening. “I’ll call the Doctor.”

“NO! No.” Kathryn stopped her frantic struggling and allowed Chakotay to hold her, but she had her hands pressed against his chest ready to push away again if she needed.

Chakotay lifted her gently and laid her on the bed, but kept her hand firmly in his. She turned her face away from him. Owen Paris was standing just inside the doorway.

Chakotay stroked her hand and arm. “Kathryn, please tell me. What’s the matter? I’m sorry. I don’t know what I said to upset you.” He leant down close to her ear and whispered. “Kathryn, help me please. I love you but I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what I’ve done.”

She turned to him and looked at him with tears in her eyes. These were the first she’d shed since the beginning of this awful episode. The Doctor arrived and approached the bedside.

“Captain Janeway, I have another sedative here if you would like it?” She turned away from Chakotay as the Doctor spoke.

“No, thank you. I’ll be fine.” Chakotay dropped his head on to their joined hands. When would she ever learn that she didn’t have to do everything on her own?

“Chakotay, could I see you outside for a moment please.” Admiral Paris placed his hand gently on Chakotay’s shoulder. He looked up and nodded at the Admiral.

“I’ll be back soon, Kathryn.” He stroked her hand as he laid it back on the covers and followed the Admiral out the door.

“Chakotay, I’ve just been speaking to Gretchen and Phoebe about this. When Kathryn collapsed this morning Admiral Vot had just accused her of being an ‘unreasonable woman’. She apparently became disorientated and kept mumbling the words ‘unreasonable woman’ over and over and then started calling for you. Have you any idea what that might have meant?”

Chakotay frowned in thought but couldn’t think of anything, but then realised his last words to Kathryn just now had been for her to be ‘reasonable’. There had to be some connection but for the life of him he couldn’t think of what it could be.

“Admiral, what were they questioning her about before this happened? Maybe that will give us a clue.” He was deeply concerned.

“The Omega Directive. She was being questioned as to why she’d shared knowledge of the directive with the crew.

Chakotay nodded slowly remembering the time when the ship had come into contact with the deadly molecules. He’d had to use all his wiles to talk Kathryn out of that ridiculous suicide mission and allow all the crew to help. Had something happened on the planet that he was unaware of, or with the aliens who had been manufacturing the substance? He would have to go over his logs of the incident and see if anything came to light.

“I can’t think of anything at the moment, Admiral, but if I could get access to my logs and perhaps Kathryn’s as well, I might be able to come up with something.”

“I’ll see what I can arrange. I’ll contact you when I know anything. My appointment with the President is in an hour. I’ll speak to you later.” He gave Chakotay a reassuring pat on the back and walked up the corridor to the exit.

B’Elanna and Tom came over to him. He explained what had happened. Neither of them could remember anything that might be relevant. B’Elanna shook her head as she spoke. “When I think of all the things we went through out there, it still amazes me that any of us came through in one piece.”

Tom blew out a breath as he took Miral from B’Elanna’s arms. “Well, the person we have to thank for that is lying in that room there. I just wish we knew how to help her.” Tom looked over towards the door to Kathryn’s room.

“We’ll find a way, Tom. I know we will. Kathryn Janeway doesn’t stay down for long. Now let’s go and say hello to the newcomers. Is that Tabor over there? I didn’t know he was back from Bajor.” They made their way over to the large group of Voyager crew and Chakotay shook hands and exchanged hugs and greetings with all the new arrivals. Once Kathryn was home, they would have to organise a reunion. It was wonderful to see all the familiar faces again and he knew she would relish spending time with them.

Chakotay noticed Tom speaking with a young Ensign who handed him something. He approached Chakotay and handed him two padds. “Dad had these sent over. They’re yours and the Captain’s logs of the Omega incident.”

Chakotay took the padds. “Thanks, Tom. I’m going to have quick look through these now. If you need me, I’ll be outside in the courtyard.” He left through a side entrance and found a sunny spot to sit and read.

Kathryn was feeling a little better, but still upset with herself for losing control. She knew she had to talk to her mother about what was happening. She could see that her mother was worried about her and she wanted to reassure her that she was fine. She’d almost convinced herself that she’d never see her mother and Phoebe again so she was very pleased to have them here with her. The black cloud of depression was still hovering close, but she was determined not to let it shroud her. Chakotay had left with Owen and hadn’t returned. He must wonder what the hell was wrong with her. They still hadn’t cleared up the issues regarding Seven and she wondered if he’d come back or if he was so fed up with her that he’d keep his distance. She wouldn’t blame him.

Gretchen watched her daughter’s face. Distressing thoughts were obviously waging a war inside her. “Kathryn, can you tell me what happened earlier, both here and at the debriefings? We’re very worried about you. Chakotay has been beside himself.”

“I’m sorry, Mom. I really don’t want to worry any of you. I’ll be fine. I just need some time, and also to get these damn debriefings over with.” She picked at the bedclothes. “I must admit, I’m worried about the outcome. I have a feeling that I’ll be spending some time away, courtesy of a Starfleet correctional facility. I’m willing to face the consequences of my actions in the Delta Quadrant, but I just can’t seem to get them to understand that I had little choice in so many of my decisions. There was no backup, no Starfleet to fall back on, just us and I did the best I could under the circumstances.” She took a deep breath. No point getting maudlin about it now. What would be, would be.

“Kathryn, we won’t let anything happen to you. Owen and Chakotay are working towards that and if they don’t succeed then the Admiralty will have me to contend with. I have nothing constraining me to use the ‘correct channels’. I knew the President when he was a young upstart law clerk. Don’t worry, Kathryn, everything will be fine. You’ll be home in no time. Chakotay will be relieved.”

“I’m sure he will be. He can get back to his life again.” Gretchen watched her daughter, slightly puzzled over her reaction.

Phoebe moved to the end of the bed putting her hand on Kathryn’s leg. “Kathryn, he loves you. He’s spent everyday since his release sitting outside the JAG Headquarters waiting for word of you. He’s been living with us, you know, and every morning after breakfast he takes himself off and sits and waits and then comes home in the evening and cooks and helps around the house. He’s become one of the family.”

Kathryn was shocked. She looked at her mother with wide startled eyes. “He’s been living with you? What about Seven? She’s not there too, is she?”

Gretchen looked confused. “Seven? You mean that young Borg woman? No, no. Only Chakotay. I think he mentioned she was on Vulcan with Tuvok, something about the Science Academy there.” Kathryn was sitting staring with the glint of tears in her eyes. “Kathryn, what is it dear? Please tell me. We can’t help you if you won’t tell us what the problem is.”

“Mother, I’ve been under house arrest for five weeks, held in custody by the institution that I pledged my allegiance to and devoted most of my life to, only to find that I’m no more than an inconvenience.” She shook her head. “All those years out in the Delta Quadrant, where we fought and scratched and clawed our way home. I feel cheated. We all sacrificed so much only to return and be treated as pariahs. Everything I believed in has been destroyed and I’m alone. I….” There was a gasp from the doorway.

Chakotay had been reading the logs of the Omega incident and recalling events in his mind. His logs were filled with anguish over Kathryn’s attempt to destroy the molecules with only Seven’s assistance. He’d managed to convince her that she needed all of them to accomplish the mission. He spoke of his relief that she’d seen reason, and then the rest of the logs pertained to the building of the harmonic resonance chamber, their encounter with the alien race responsible for developing the molecules and the ultimate destruction of the molecules. Nothing particularly untoward that he could see. He’d hoped Kathryn’s logs would shed some light on what was going on. He began reading and was overcome with sadness as she explained her reasons for wanting to destroy the molecule on her own. The guilt she carried for stranding them in the Delta Quadrant was something that definitely needed to be addressed and soon. It had led to many of the contentious moments they’d had. Seven was chosen to accompany her because she had knowledge of the molecule and the Starfleet protocols through the assimilation of Federation Officers over the years. There was mention of her horror when she realised there were many hundreds of the molecules and the fact that if they were unsuccessful that their ability to go to warp would be forever destroyed and they would be stuck in the Delta Quadrant forever. She’d been driven by a very real fear that she would be unable to fulfil the promise to get her crew home.

Chakotay read on to their meeting in the Astrometrics lab. This was where he’d convinced her to see reason and allow the crew to help her. He read her transcript of the meeting and an unseen hand clenched his heart. He reread it and he now knew what the problem was. How could he not have realised that his words would have hurt her so deeply. He’d accused her of being an ‘unreasonable woman’ and she had taken those words to heart. He hadn’t meant them as an indictment of her command or even of her personality. They were meant in relation to her safety and needs. He had to speak to her and make her understand. Clutching the padds in his hand he headed back to her room.

He entered as Kathryn was speaking to her mother. He heard the words before she realised he was there. “Everything I believed in has been destroyed and I’m alone. I…” Chakotay gasped. She turned to see his pained look, and stared at him aghast. Gretchen looked back and forth between these two wounded souls. She took Phoebe’s hand and dragged her from the room. Turning around just before she left she spoke to both of them. “You two, get this sorted out now. Speak to each other, and for heaven’s sake listen to each other. This has gone on long enough. Now!” She gave Chakotay a push from behind to move him further into the room, and then slammed the door on her way out. They both looked at the closed door and then back at one another.

“Chakotay, I’m sorry. I know I’m not alone but as far as Starfleet is concerned I am. They’ve left me out in the cold and I’m unsure of my place in the scheme of things. I hate feeling like this.”

Chakotay moved over to the bed. “Kathryn, I’m so sorry this has happened. I suppose I’m used to the idea of Starfleet’s ability to betray and they’re willingness to use people and situations to their advantage. My faith in them was destroyed years ago, but they’re not the be-all and end-all. There are other avenues for you to pursue outside of Starfleet. The world will open up to you in ways you can’t imagine. This really isn’t the end, Kathryn. It’s just the beginning of another adventure, and this time you’re in control.” She sat looking at him, wonder slowly replacing worry in her eyes. He could always do this. Turn what she’d convinced herself was a no win situation into something surmountable and sometimes, like this, a positive challenge that she had the fortitude to meet. His faith in her touched her deeply. It was what he’d done that day in the Astrometrics lab when he’d convinced her not to go on that terrifying suicide mission. How many times had he saved her life over the years? He must be exhausted.

“I’m sorry, Chakotay.”

He looked at her quite puzzled. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for, Kathryn.”

“Yes, I have. You didn’t hear what I was going to say next. It was something that I should have told you years ago. I said that everything I believed in had been destroyed and I’m alone. I almost let the thing dearest to me slip away. I’m only here because of Chakotay. He’s saved my life so many times and is saving it again today. I love him and I thought I’d lost him. I need to tell him how I feel.” She leant forward and smiled, the barriers were down and her eyes were filled with love. “I hope Phoebe was right. Was she right, Chakotay? Do you love me?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

His face softened as he reached forward and caressed her face. “Kathryn, I’ve loved you forever. We’ll get you well again and start our life over.” He leant forward and kissed her gently on the lips. He pulled back to read her reaction. She grinned up at him and grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him back for a deeper kiss. He collapsed on to the bed, lying almost on top of her as their lips moved hungrily over each others in a searing kiss that had been waiting seven years to happen.

He pulled back again, and groaning quietly he rested his forehead against hers. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to do that.” He lifted his head and smiled down at her.

“Probably about as many times as I have. I love you, Chakotay, and I don’t want to live my life without you.”

“You’ll never have to. I plan on being around for a long time.” Running his fingers through her hair, he then gently stroked her cheek. “Kathryn, there’s one issue that I have to clear up. I’ve spent the last hour or so reading through the logs of the Omega incident. Owen sent them over. I wanted to find out what had triggered this morning’s incident. I know what is was, and Kathryn, I’m so sorry. You’re not an unreasonable woman, far from it. I had meant that in regard to your own safety. You were always far too ready to put yourself in danger to protect the crew. I never meant to hurt you. Can you forgive me?” He ran his thumb along her bottom lip. “What I do remember about that incident was my relief when you decided to let us help you. I wanted to sweep you into my arms and dance around Astrometrics with you, but I didn’t.” He gave a small shrug. “Maybe I should have. Things might have been a lot different.”

“Chakotay, please don’t blame yourself. I’ve been thinking about it too. It was just a trigger. I’ve been a volcano waiting to erupt. The accumulated stress from the seven years in the Delta Quadrant and the nightmare of the debriefings combined to make a volatile mix. I can sit back and look at it a little more objectively now. But I do know that if it hadn’t happened today, it would have happened tomorrow or the next day. I need help, Chakotay. I’m not too proud to say it. Some counselling is going to be the next thing on my agenda, but I feel so much better already. Having you here, and Mom and Phoebe.” He looked at her with a wry grin. “Why are you looking like that, Chakotay?”

“Well, we’re not the only ones here.”

“What do you mean? Are Tom and B’Elanna here too? I’d love to see them.” He looked over towards the door.

“Actually, most of the crew have taken up residence in the corridor and waiting rooms. It’s pretty crowded out there.”

She was astounded and deeply touched. She realised that she’d never been alone, ever. Her heart swelled.

Just then Phoebe and Gretchen rushed into the room. They did a double take at the scene that confronted them. Chakotay slid off the bed looking at Gretchen and shrugged.

“We’ve sorted it all out.”

Gretchen leaned up on tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “So I see. Congratulations.”

Phoebe was hugging Kathryn. “I’m so pleased for you. He’s a catch, you know. The man can cook.” She grinned over at Chakotay. “Welcome to the family, Chakotay.”

“Thanks, Phoebe.”

Gretchen grabbed at Kathryn’s hand. “News, news. Owen just spoke to Tom. The president and the Federation Council have quashed all charges against you. The Ethics Committee has rescinded all outstanding warrants and you are free to go. It’s over.”

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. She shook her head. “Just like that? I can’t believe it. Are you sure?” She’d convinced herself that she would be returning to the debriefings and spending time in a Federation prison. And now it was all over, with no fanfare or fuss. It was just over. She’d been steeling herself for a fight and in a strange way felt a little deflated. Happily deflated. She smiled over at Chakotay and reached for his hand. He moved towards her and gathered her into his arms. “Welcome home, Kathryn.” She held on tight and shed a few tears of relief, gripping his shoulders to give herself strength. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her small body against his. He felt whole again.

There was a knock at the door and the Doctor entered the room. He barely batted an eyelid at the scene. “Captain Janeway, I have been given permission to release you from hospital. If you are feeling up to it?” He smiled at the look of relief on Kathryn’s face. “I’ve spoken to Dr Lodinski. She’ll organise some follow-up counselling sessions for you and you can start them at your leisure.”

“Thank you, doctor, and yes, I’m definitely feeling up to going home.” She turned and beamed at her mother and Phoebe. She held tightly to Chakotay’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Let’s get going then, shall we? Just let me get changed.”

Gretchen handed Kathryn her uniform. Kathryn looked at it with a frown for a moment and then shrugged her shoulders and walked into the bathroom. She would deal with her feelings about Starfleet later. Now she was just too happy with the prospect of going home. And the joy of going home with Chakotay.

Five minutes later she emerged from the bathroom spic and span in her uniform. She looked up at Chakotay and nodded to him. “Shall we go, Commander?”

He stood to the side, and motioned her ahead. “After you, Captain.” She turned back to him and looped her arm through his.

“Oh no, not this time, Chakotay. This time we go together.” They grinned at one another and the doctor opened the door. They stepped out into the midst of a crowd of happy Voyager crew.

Kathryn was deeply moved. She tried to shake hands and say hello to everyone that she could, but there were so many of them. They were steadily moving towards the exit when she stumbled. After the harrowing day she’d had and the sedatives, she was still a little unsteady on her feet. Chakotay felt her stagger. He turned and without a word, swept her up into his arms and carried her to the exit amidst the cheering and applause of their crew. She wrapped her arms around his neck and put her head on his shoulder and held on tight. Gretchen and Phoebe were waiting with Tom and B’Elanna with a ground car to take them home. Chakotay placed Kathryn next to him in the back seat and waving to the crowd as they made on their way home.

Kathryn turned to Chakotay and whispered. “Thank you.”

He smiled down at her and whispered back. “Anytime and always.”

One year later, Kathryn and Chakotay stood back from the wall of the room they’d been painting. “I like the cream with the blue. What do you think, Chakotay?”

Chakotay scrutinised their work and placed his hand over Kathryn’s swollen belly. “Well, we’ll soon find out if the owner likes it.” He bent over close to her stomach. “Hey, little man. Not long now.” He put his arm around Kathryn’s shoulders and pulled her close, kissing her head.

“Damn.” He moved over to where there was a small mark on the wall. Kathryn moved closer to inspect the spot. It looked like a blister or a curled bristle from the brush they’d been using. Chakotay reached over to try and fix it. Kathryn grabbed his hand.

“No. Just leave it.” He looked down at her with a puzzled frown. She thought back to 12 months ago and how she’d thought her life was over and how she’d felt such a kinship with that small spot on the wall of her ‘almost’ prison. She didn’t have the heart to remove this little imperfection. Sometimes things are best left the way they are. Perfection isn’t necessarily perfect.

“I’ll explain it to you later, but let’s just leave it. Ok?” This obviously held some significance for Kathryn and he wasn’t about to argue. The spot would stay.

Kathryn sat in the comfortable recliner with her baby in her arms. He’d just finished feeding and she was rocking him off to sleep, his little face looking angelic and contented, tucked against her breast. How dramatically her life had changed in the last twelve months. She was now a mother, something that she’d thought had been a lost dream. She was married to Chakotay and was blissfully happy with her life. She’d taken a tutorship at a privately run university and taught warp mechanics and temporal theory. She found teaching it didn’t give her the headache that experiencing it had. Chakotay had a professorship at the same university teaching archaeology and Delta Quadrant anthropology. He was overjoyed with his life, his love and now his son. They lived not far from Gretchen and saw her regularly. They were in constant contact with many of the crew and some like Tom and B’Elanna had become very close friends and an intrinsic part of their lives.

She looked up as Chakotay walked into the room. He moved to her side and bending over, gently scooped their son from her arms. He looked down at this miracle of their love and then smiled at her. His love and devotion was held in that smile.

He walked over to the crib and placed his son gently in the centre of the cot and covered him with a light blanket, stroking his head lightly before turning back to Kathryn. He walked over to her and offered her his hand. Pulling her up into his arms, he held her tight against him. She snuggled into his warmth, so at peace with herself and her life and so in love with this man.

She peered over his shoulder and could see the small speck on the wall opposite. She closed her eyes remembering. Her anguish had turned to elation, her despair to delight and her loneliness to love. She was light years away from the woman who had commiserated with a similar small speck all those months ago. She opened her eyes again and stared at the spot. The sunlight was hitting it in such a way that it looked like a small jewel glittering and pulsing its existence to those in the room.

Them. Her husband, her son and her.

At last she was complete.

- _fin_ -


End file.
